just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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