the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
