I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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