i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
