You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
True strength comes from lack of pants
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
