A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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