Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
