My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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