I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
