awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
