some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
How naked do you want me to be?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
