Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
