did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Randomize
