I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
