I should be sponsored by Trojan
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
