I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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