We're like a lot better than the average bears
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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