there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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