How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
