legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
