The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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