You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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