Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
