I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Randomize
