he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
