I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Too much gin, very little bucket
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
