dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
