the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
