i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
