im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
