I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
this will be a night to untag.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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