I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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