who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace†station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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