I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
