So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
