Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Randomize
