Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
