Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
