apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
