the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
