I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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