Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
