Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I smell like Dick and happiness
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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