At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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