i need an iv and a liver transplant
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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