Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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