I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
