I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
smell my finger.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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