Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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