The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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