I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
