I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
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