I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
